New year's eve

Its new year’s eve… I’m still awake in the middle of the night, my feet’s are frozen and my heart burns like fire…
I’m so scared about the future, my future… I heard voices of friends, voices of courage, voices that said the most amazing things about me, but I’m not so sure if they are right about it. Sometimes I feel that I’m in the middle of a conversation with no one, with a ghost that lives in my head and every word that cross to my head is turned against me. Today is the day of the payments, I burn my life and my history, my memories and apologizes in a fireplace, hoping that someone receive my words and can give me a light in this dark path.
I burn myself and I feel relieved, I see the paper burn itself into ashes… maybe was the bottle of wine, maybe was the infinite sadness that lies with me meanwhile I burn that piece of me… I strongly believe that the ashes turn it into a bright light, I guess that the letters become something more, that the letters become more than smoke and fly away of me to become part of something else…
I only expect that some of that smoke can forgive me for all the damage that I caused, that some of that letters can go with the wind and tell to the ones I write how much I sorry, how much I need them in my life… I’m begging for me, for you, for all, I beg for a lighthouse in this cloudy and rainy night meanwhile I'm drowning in the middle of this black ocean…
Please, forgive my English, I’m still learning but this words come in this way, so sorry